Two New Rules

New Rule: First class passengers must board last. I can live with the dirty look the stewardess gives the coach passengers just before she closes the curtain between the two sections. And I can live with the fact that they’re getting free champagne while the rest of us have to pay out the ass for second-rate beer. But, why the hell do I have to walk by them as they sneer at me on my way to a seat that even a midget yoga master would find uncomfortable? Just because I spend the entire flight trying to sleep without getting myself a hernia, doesn’t mean that I need to wait for first-class passengers to be all tuckered away in their seats before I can get to mine. The next time I see one of them taking their time in the aisle as I’m attempting to board, I’ll make sure to extend my leg as far as I can – right up their ass.

New Rule: Certain traffic violations should lead to the automatic revocation of a driver’s license. If you’re in the left lane going below the speed limit, consider your license revoked. Speed up before a yellow light and then jam on the break just as it turns red? No more license for you. Think it’s a good idea to apply make-up or read a book while driving? Hope you have a bike. If you wait to turn left at a stoplight and you let it go from green to yellow to red more than once… you’re walking. If these rules are properly enforced, my mother wouldn’t be allowed to so much as look at a car, let alone drive one. You can thank me later.