Fucking Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers,

I was wondering if you might tell me the correct usage of the word, “fuck.” My mom only seems to use it to describe the toaster oven when it’s broken, but I am afraid she may be using it incorrectly.

Etymologically Confused in the Northeast

Dear Etymologically Confused in the Northeast,

I am a great believer in the correct usage of the English language, and when I heard that your mother has been misusing one of the most expressive expletives of our time, I felt I needed to respond to your letter immediately. “Fuck,” or “to fuck,” as in “shut your fucking mouth bitch,” has been used as a word that crosses race, gender, and class divides in our society. French in origin (those fucking French frogs, feed me freedom fries every goddamn fucking day), the verb “to fuck” was derived from the French “fouche,” meaning “to bang like a jackhammer.” Brought over as part of the dialogue of the French fur traders on the Hudson Bay, the word “fouche” was spread over establishments of ill repute and whenever bears were in mating season. The “damn mother-fucking Yankees,” with their broad New England accents, quickly changed from “fouche” to “fouch” to “fuck” to “mother fucking hoes.” As a result of this, when your mother refers to the toaster as “fucking broken,” or similar language misuses, she is simply comparing it to a jackhammer, which is often known to bang things repeatedly. Perhaps you should alert your mother next time you hear her improper use of the English language. Similarly, try to work this into your vocabulary whenever possible. If necessary, create a flashcard to help with memory. Mnemonic devices also work. I hope this clarifies your fucking shit-faced dumb-ass question.

Sincerely,
Ann Landers