Bush Models Iran Invasion After Successful Invasion/Democratization of Iraq

WASHINGTON, Friday, February 16th—President Bush announced today that he and his advisors had begun to formulate a strategy for the invasion of Iran. "Me and my people are basing our new plan off of the military and political successes the U.S. experienced in Iraq," Bush said. "Why change what works?"

After receiving credible intelligence that top Iranian officials were behind recent attacks on U.S. soldiers in Iraq, the Bush administration quickly responded by consulting with the intelligent officials responsible for notifying the administration about the existence of WMD's in Iraq. "Listen," Bush said in a speech to reporters on Friday, "The guys who warned us about the WMD's in Iraq were clearly correct, and this is why I have commissioned them to tell me about the secret dangers in Iran."

Following the press conference The White House released a document to the media which detailed Bush's plan to circumvent congressional authorization for his invasion of Iran. "Congress is controlled by the fucking Democrats! Why the hell would I ask them what they thought about my plan to invade Iran? I'll seek Cheney's approval for the plan, but that's all! Plus, I didn't ask for their permission for the Iraq thing, so why would I ask them for their permission for this?" Bush went on to explain that the Iranian government is part of the axis of evil. "They tried to kill my father." When a reporter corrected Mr. Bush by informing him that it was Saddam Hussein who is rumored to have put out a contract on his father's life, Bush responded "Iran, Iraq...they both have oil!"

In recent months much speculation has centered on Iran's nuclear development program and its possible intentions of using nuclear weapons against the U.S. or Israel. Bush's plan seeks to incapacitate the military capabilities of Iran in much the same way as was done in Iraq. "We're going to destroy the entire fucking infrastructure in Iran. There will be no clean water, and no electricity! Iraqi's still don't have water and electricity and they haven't been successful at launching any nuclear attacks. It is obvious that we must destroy all civilian infrastructures in Iran, and never repair it, in order to thwart the country's evil nuclear ambitions," Bush said.

The Bush administration has allocated 50 billion dollars in cash for the Iran war effort in much of the same way as was done for the Iraq war. On Friday, Bush, while responding to questions, expressed complete confidence that the money will be fully accounted for. "During the Iraq war I gave the Pentagon 50 Billion dollars in cash and there was clearly no corruption, cronyism, or waste in that war. I'm going to stick with what works," Bush is quoted as saying.

Tony Snow, Bush's press secretary, announced to reporters that, just in time for the new Iran war, Bush had declared, for a second time, an end to major combat operations in Iraq. "We have achieved democratization in Iraq. The President has officially ended that successful democratization effort and will now move on to democratize Iran." Mr. Snow closed the press conference by announcing to reporters that The President has moved the Oval Office to his Texas ranch. "Mr. Bush will work tirelessly from his Texas Ranch to head the new war effort." After being asked why the President would do such a thing, Mr. Snow responded, "Mr. Bush has many obligations to his family and to his country. The Iran war is only one of the many obligations he has. By working from his ranch, Bush can more effectively juggle the duties he has to his family, such as exercising his thoroughbreds, with the duties he has to his country." After being asked by a reporter how the average American could aid in the war effort against Iran, Bush responded, "they can buy more, and ask fewer questions... Dick Cheney has no relation to Halliburton!"