SNOW DAY TOO MUCH FOR CORNELL WEATHER MACHINE

ITHACA, NY - Cornell University's closing last Wednesday came after its widely-speculated upon weather machine failed. Officials in the administration met in a clandestine bunker at 3:30am that day and decided to proceed with plans to cause the storm to dump on Syracuse, as they have done since 1865. Much to their chagrin the storm was too much for the weather machine to handle and last-minute attempts to fix it proved futile.

President Skorton explained, "You should have seen this thing when we turned it up to max power! I was in the room and, holy crap, there was lightning and snow and it was raining up from the floor! Then it exploded and I went back in time for a few hours, which was great because who the hell would want to be in Ithaca during that storm?"

With the overload induced destruction of the Cornell Weather Controller another must be built in time for Cornell Days this April.

Professor Henry Waichowski, head of the Cornell University Weather Conroller Laboratory, described his plan to rebuild the system, "If there is one thing this university has plenty of, its engineers that would love to wield supernatural powers. We'll be offering a 6 week, 15 credit class to ensure that the Weather Controller is rebuilt and capable to withstand storms twice as great as the one that saved me from recognizing my crushing loneliness this past Valentine's Day."

When asked, "Can you believe the Weather Controller broke?" most students responded that, they "fuckin' knew it was real!" Junior Ben Cannon, AEM major from Anchorage, Alaska, elaborated, "That's why the weather is always so fucking nice during Cornell Days! I came here my senior year of high school and it was like 78 degrees and sunny. I thought I was going to school in the goddamn tropics! I get here freshman year and it's like 9 degrees on the first day of school. If I wanted to freeze my balls off I would have gone to Community College with the damn penguins and Eskimos back home!"