Shock Your Mama

GAMBIER, OH--Each year Kenyon College celebrates its world famous swim team with a “Shock Your Mama” party. This year the Lords' national title is restored after a two year losing streak that followed 27 consecutive national championships. The day includes a morning sporting event, followed by an afternoon of drinking and carousing on the campus’s South Quad, and an evening masquerade party at which everyone dresses in a manner that would shock his or her Mama. The president of the college, thrilled that her domain’s title has been regained, allows and authorizes—if not approves of and participates in—the event.
After the morning lacrosse game and a stealthy win for Kenyon over Denison University, the party ensued. The captain of the lacrosse team, Topher Matthews, scored four goals in the 7-1 victory, "we really had our heads in the game today, and I really think we had our best feet forward from the start. After such an intense game kicking the shit out of Denison, I'm psyched take it easy and dress up like a pregnant woman later today."
The undergraduate students at Kenyon look forward to the "Shock Your Mama" party all year. The swimmers are dry for their season, and the night they return to drunken debauchery on campus is especially sentimental for their friends. "We don't remember most of our nights in the Milk Carton apartments or the New Apts Village, or even the Delt or Psi U lodge, but they'd obviously be more awesome if the swimmers were there to party with us. Duh. Swimmers are so dreamy," said Phoebe White this afternoon while hanging out with her lackeys on middle path clearly drunk. One of her friends is asleep on a bench wearing skimpy lingerie and huge sunglasses.
The party is something else. Before a rematch of Kenyon versus Denison, this time playing flip-cup, Charlie Graham, 3rd string goalie for the lacrosse team shouts the rules, "ten rounds, no re-dos, rounds begin down-up-down-drink, one handed flipping only, no touching cups once before or after drinking and flipping, cups must land squarely on the table, wipe-down after round five, cups filled to the one-quarter mark, and last but not least, NO THROWING UP, PASSING OUT, SPILLING, OR INTERFERENCE." Kenyon handily defeats Denison's ruffians, regardless of the fact that three members of the Kenyon flip-cup team are dressed in tutus and one is only wearing a carefully placed tube sock.
Kenyon's President enjoys the party too. The music is loud, the lights dim, and all of Kenyon is in a state of bliss. President Sarah Vender III is "pleased the kids are having so much fun, especially that adorable Topher Matthews. Is that Abby Miller dressed up as me?!"
Miller is "excited" her outfit turned out to be so convincing, unlike many of the Ladies' sad attempts at being prostitutes for the evening festivities.
The men's swim team shows up wearing speedos stuffed with various pieces of clothing. Senior so-captain of the swim team, Andrew Simmons, performs at the keg stand and a thong falls out of his suit while upside-down, "That's probably Katie Johnson's thong; I just took her virginity and ran away."