CORNELL ANOUNCES ANTI-SLEDDING POLICY, AND NEW 'WINTER WONDERLAND' MARKETING CAMPAIGN

ITHACA, NY, Feb. 25 — Tommy Bruce, Vice President of Communications for Cornell University, held a press conference early this morning in which he formally proclaimed Cornell University's policy forbidding sledding of any kind on Libe Slope. Bruce spent the majority of the press conference citing the various justifications for this policy. "Student's have a high risk of incurring a serious injury when engaging in the child-like behavior of sledding," Bruce said. Various administrators spoke to the press during the early morning press conference to tout the benefits of Cornell's anti-sledding policy. David Burkham, Director of Risk management at Cornell, spent nearly half an hour detailing the inherent risk that Cornell would face should it allow sledding on the slope. "Do you know how much we could be sued for by the parents of some sledder whose drunken downhill behavior caused him to fly face-first into a tree at 35 MPH?" asked Burkham. Next, John Dowell, Cornell University's Insurance expert cited the fact that Cornell's insurance policy strictly forbids the allowance of 'any explicitly dangerous activities on campus', such as sledding.

Later on in the day the Cornell Office on Student Life held a press conference to announce its new marketing strategy. "We want to show off Cornell to the world as a winter wonderland of fun," Stacey Daves, Cornell's Director of Student Life, told reporters. Cornell's new marketing initiative began when staff in the Office on Student Life added a gigantic picture of two students joyfully sledding down Libe Slope to the front page of www.cornell.edu. "This picture exhibits the amount of fun students at Cornell are able to have in the winter-wonderland that surrounds the Ithaca Campus," Daves said. (Note—this picture is actually on the front page of Cornell's website right now!)

After being asked by a reporter if she was aware of the press conference held by Tommy Bruce earlier in the day, Daves' responded that she was unaware of such a press conference and asked the reporter to explain it to her. "It was held to announce Cornell's anti-sledding policy," the reporter responded. "Oh shit!" Daves exclaimed before immediately ending the press conference.