A Couple Brief New Rules

New Rule:
If you are winning your March Madness pool out of sheer luck, you are NOT justified to talk like you know something about basketball now. Anyone can stick their head out of a window on a cloudy day and predict rain— it doesn’t make you a freakin’ meteorologist.

New Rule:
Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan: if you are going to check into rehab to improve your public image, don’t check out every couple of nights to get blackout drunk in various LA clubs. I know this may not be obvious to you, but it’s counterproductive when the cover of US Weekly continually reads, “Drunk slut checks out of rehab, exposes herself, and checks back in.”

New Rule:
To all washed-up celebrities: Stop going on VHI’s Surreal Life to try to save your career—it won’t—face it, it’s over. Doing so is the rough equivalent to jumping off the tenth story of a burning building convinced that flapping your arms will save your life.

New Rule:
For your own good, stop watching Saturday Night Live. I admit, I do it too, but we have to face it: the show hasn’t been funny since 1996. Coming back every Saturday at 11:30 hoping that this episode is going to be different and then dealing with the subsequent disappointment really isn’t good for you. In fact, this type of behavior is downright unhealthy. (Contact your local domestic abuse clinic for additional information).