thank you mask man

Apparently, my source on the hazing story did one too many keg-stands. Mortimer J. Leggett, a Kappa Alpha Sigma pledge, died at Cornell in 1873 because of a hazing ritual gone awry. It didn't involve mattresses (I'm trying to find out where that story could have come from), but it might have involved a blindfold. Also, Leggett was most likely the third hazing death in the US, not the first or second.

According to Major William Mitchell, the suicide bomber who targeted Bagram Air Force Base in Afghanistan probably didn't know that Vice President Dick Cheney was there. More importantly, and despite what MSNBC led me to believe earlier today, a sudden dip in China's stock market, and not the Bagram AFB bombing, is what led to stock market corrections around the globe, including a 3.3% drop in the Dow. Alison Stewart, why did you lead me astray?

For those of you who haven't finished the reading assignment for Tuesday, please do so by Thursday. I'll try to bring in one of Lenny Bruce's recordings so you can hear what his bits sounded like. In the meantime, take a look at "Thank You Mask Man," an animated short film from 1971 that John Magnuson, a San Francisco filmmaker who worked with Bruce during his lifetime, put together after Bruce's death. All the voices for "Thank You Mask Man" are done by Bruce himself. (You might want to watch it more than once so you can pick out what the different characters are saying.)

Conferences Redux

If we haven't had a chance to meet yet, please sign up for one of the times below. We will meet in Goldwin Smith 338B, unless I can find an empty classroom down the hallway. To claim one of the slots, enter your name and the time you want in the "Comments" section of this post. If none of the times work, I'll see if I can find other times on Wednesday or early next week.

Tuesday

3:30 - 3:50 - Mike B.
4:00 - 4:20
4:30 - 4:50 - JP M.
5:00 - 5:20
5:30 - 5:50
6:00 - 6:20
6:30 - 7:00 - Matt W.

STUDENT FORGETS TO DO HOMEWORK

Ithaca, NY - Cornell University senior David Finkelstein forgot to do his English 289 homework on Sunday. In the fourth week of a recurring Sunday 8:00 p.m. deadline for Blog posts many found it strange that he missed the deadline by over 28 hours. When reached for comment Finkelstein responded, "Oh shit! I better get writing!"

Finkelstein's friend Chris Meyerer refused comment when asked how hungover Finkelstein may have been on Sunday saying only, "Turn off that fucking recorder, newsie!"

Calls to David's parents were not returned. Finkelstein's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, sent out a press release Monday morning stating, "David regrets his lapse in memory and is committed to being a more responsible student in the future. We sincerely hope that this will not affect his standing as the NFL Draft approaches."

Some in the community expressed outrage over his apparent lack of commitment to The Blog. "Frankly it's inexcusable. He's a senior, he should know how to complete assignments on time by now. Kid is out of control and he's really letting down the whole community," said Hank Pachouliak, Master of Janitorial Arts at the Goldwin Smith building.

Finkelstein was quoted as saying, "Hey, I wonder if there's some way to back date this bad boy? Yup!"

Orwell

The purpose of writing is to convey a message from the writer to the reader. Without precise wording, the meaning of the written phrase is likely to become muddled or lost on the reader. Even more dangerous, as Orwell argues, is submitting to preformed phrases at the sacrifice of lucidity. Although idioms can be used effectively, it seems as though Orwell would contend that they are less precise, and may convey an interpretation to the reader that is slightly off from the writer’s intention. From the understanding that writing is a medium of communication between the reader and the writer, to loosely use colloquialisms or phrases originating from somebody else bears the risk of losing the clarity that often comes with direct written communication. When writing prose, "surrendering to [words]" is dangerous - the writer may lose full control over the meaning of his writing when resorting to phrases that may roll off the tongue neatly, and subsequently, the writing not only loses creative and original flavor from the author, but may also take on unintended meaning.

Orwell

The above comments mean that although utilizing hackneyed expressions (metaphors, phrases, etc) may make writing easier; it is dangerous for several reasons. First, the reader does not truly understand what you are saying because it is in no way original. Out of habit, the reader just breezes through the phrases without gaining any new meaning from what was read. Second, the writer is being lazy by failing to think of the correct words, metaphors or phrases to express what he or she truly wants to say. Instead, the writer uses “canned” phrases that have lost meaning through their overuse, and thus no longer ascribe any true meaning, even to the writer himself. The writer thus does not have to know at any level beyond the surface what he or she thinks. Thus, as Orwell wrote, the meaning of one’s own writing is no longer even lucid to the writer themselves. Politically, this can be very dangerous, as it allows politicians to spew rhetoric that, if they or the readers actually thought through in clear and simple terms, would be extremely disturbing. Finally, I think Orwell finds this practice dangerous because the writer is propagating the existing decline of language to what he deems “modern language.” Orwell does however, claim this process is reversible and therefore if individuals recognize the problem and make a conscious effort to change the way they speak and write, language can be “saved.”

Student’s Amazed as Job Offers “Poof” Out of Thin Air

Ithaca, NY- Student’s this recruiting season are having different reactions than in years past. This year recruiters are extending job offers to many students to who manage to just sound like they know what they’re talking about in their interviews. In fact, they’re giving offers on the spot, in the interview, relieving anxious seniors from the anxiety of waiting for that phone call or email. Senior Mike Yaright exclaimed “I went into my interview and told him all about the business I run after class from my dorm room, and how I volunteer for charity every other weekend and he told me he heard enough and wanted me to start 2 weeks after graduation. I’m stoked, and they pay isn’t bad either.”

Other students have had the same response. Jill Blah, the COO of the “Student’s for a Sustainable Slope” exclaimed, “All I said was that I was a people person who likes to work with people, and they had me sign the offer right then and there.”

Academics campus-wide are trying to put their finger on why there seems to be such a different spin on recruitment this year. Cornell human resources professor Alidad Akabar reasoned that “companies are now more concerned with fulfilling their diversity accounts because of the number of discrimination lawsuits. They love Cornell because they can hire for diversity and still be assured that they will have the skills they need to do the job.” Akabar went on to reason that due to the innate ability of students at Cornell, it is a more “shore shot bet” to scoop up Cornellians than from elsewhere.

A representative of McDonald’s Corporation, one of the company's who have been recruiting on CornellTrak said “We want all and any Cornell student’s as possible. We need diverse leaders, and by hiring anyone from Cornell who shows interest, we expand diversity right there.”

Cornell University Officials are claiming this is good publicity for the University. Head of campus recruitment Hoocha Dada has said “This is a great way to promote our university, any person, any study, a job. It’s a great selling point to prospective parents if we can assure that their kid’s just by going here will get a job. I’m loving it.”

CORNELL ANOUNCES ANTI-SLEDDING POLICY, AND NEW 'WINTER WONDERLAND' MARKETING CAMPAIGN

ITHACA, NY, Feb. 25 — Tommy Bruce, Vice President of Communications for Cornell University, held a press conference early this morning in which he formally proclaimed Cornell University's policy forbidding sledding of any kind on Libe Slope. Bruce spent the majority of the press conference citing the various justifications for this policy. "Student's have a high risk of incurring a serious injury when engaging in the child-like behavior of sledding," Bruce said. Various administrators spoke to the press during the early morning press conference to tout the benefits of Cornell's anti-sledding policy. David Burkham, Director of Risk management at Cornell, spent nearly half an hour detailing the inherent risk that Cornell would face should it allow sledding on the slope. "Do you know how much we could be sued for by the parents of some sledder whose drunken downhill behavior caused him to fly face-first into a tree at 35 MPH?" asked Burkham. Next, John Dowell, Cornell University's Insurance expert cited the fact that Cornell's insurance policy strictly forbids the allowance of 'any explicitly dangerous activities on campus', such as sledding.

Later on in the day the Cornell Office on Student Life held a press conference to announce its new marketing strategy. "We want to show off Cornell to the world as a winter wonderland of fun," Stacey Daves, Cornell's Director of Student Life, told reporters. Cornell's new marketing initiative began when staff in the Office on Student Life added a gigantic picture of two students joyfully sledding down Libe Slope to the front page of www.cornell.edu. "This picture exhibits the amount of fun students at Cornell are able to have in the winter-wonderland that surrounds the Ithaca Campus," Daves said. (Note—this picture is actually on the front page of Cornell's website right now!)

After being asked by a reporter if she was aware of the press conference held by Tommy Bruce earlier in the day, Daves' responded that she was unaware of such a press conference and asked the reporter to explain it to her. "It was held to announce Cornell's anti-sledding policy," the reporter responded. "Oh shit!" Daves exclaimed before immediately ending the press conference.

Ithaca Police Arrest Ithaca Police for Noise Violation

ITHACA, New York – Two police officers were arrested by fellow Ithaca Policemen this morning at around 1:30 AM, and charged with violations of the City of Ithaca Noise Ordinance. The sirens on the officers’ car exceeded the decibel maximum imposed by the Ordinance.

The legislation, passed in 2004, is intended to “preserve the public health, peace, welfare and good order by suppressing the making, creation or maintenance of excessive…or unusually loud noises.” It dictates the maximum volume of noise that can occur in a public place at different times of the day.

The arrested officers say they were aware of the volume restrictions, but overlooked them because they were on their way to the site of a break-in.

Two other break-ins and an armed robbery occurred while the IPD officers were questioning the arrested IPD officers, but the radio transmission indicating the location of the incidents was also in excess of the decibel maximum for 1:30AM, so the IPD officers had to arrest the dispatcher before they could get to the scene. The perpetrator was never caught.

“It was an unfortunate outcome for the students whose homes had been intruded, but we did the most important part of our job – we caught the criminal noise-makers. If we just keep the noise down, we can keep underage drinking to a minimum and help keep the streets safe,” said Michael Smith, the Ithaca Police Chief.

The arrested IPD officers are scheduled for an arraignment hearing on Monday.

I never thought about a writer “surrendering” to words until reading this essay by George Orwell. It is easy to reuse phrases in original writing because it takes less work and time than coming up with something new. I am taking an environmental ethics class this semester and we recently spent a week talking about the claim that nature has “intrinsic value,” or good in itself. Environmentalists wanted to defend the protection of the environment philosophically, so they decided to label nature as “intrinsically valuable” because that had worked with the ethical defense of human beings. Now I love the environment and believe it should be protected, but nature and humans are different. Every environmental intrinsic value argument has failed because other philosophers can tear it apart on the basis that in ethics, humans do the valuing. Without humans, there is no value. Environmentalists need to come up with a new argument and unique phrasing that applies solely to protection of nature. That way, their meaning is precise and their arguments cannot be dismissed so quickly.

Shock Your Mama

GAMBIER, OH--Each year Kenyon College celebrates its world famous swim team with a “Shock Your Mama” party. This year the Lords' national title is restored after a two year losing streak that followed 27 consecutive national championships. The day includes a morning sporting event, followed by an afternoon of drinking and carousing on the campus’s South Quad, and an evening masquerade party at which everyone dresses in a manner that would shock his or her Mama. The president of the college, thrilled that her domain’s title has been regained, allows and authorizes—if not approves of and participates in—the event.
After the morning lacrosse game and a stealthy win for Kenyon over Denison University, the party ensued. The captain of the lacrosse team, Topher Matthews, scored four goals in the 7-1 victory, "we really had our heads in the game today, and I really think we had our best feet forward from the start. After such an intense game kicking the shit out of Denison, I'm psyched take it easy and dress up like a pregnant woman later today."
The undergraduate students at Kenyon look forward to the "Shock Your Mama" party all year. The swimmers are dry for their season, and the night they return to drunken debauchery on campus is especially sentimental for their friends. "We don't remember most of our nights in the Milk Carton apartments or the New Apts Village, or even the Delt or Psi U lodge, but they'd obviously be more awesome if the swimmers were there to party with us. Duh. Swimmers are so dreamy," said Phoebe White this afternoon while hanging out with her lackeys on middle path clearly drunk. One of her friends is asleep on a bench wearing skimpy lingerie and huge sunglasses.
The party is something else. Before a rematch of Kenyon versus Denison, this time playing flip-cup, Charlie Graham, 3rd string goalie for the lacrosse team shouts the rules, "ten rounds, no re-dos, rounds begin down-up-down-drink, one handed flipping only, no touching cups once before or after drinking and flipping, cups must land squarely on the table, wipe-down after round five, cups filled to the one-quarter mark, and last but not least, NO THROWING UP, PASSING OUT, SPILLING, OR INTERFERENCE." Kenyon handily defeats Denison's ruffians, regardless of the fact that three members of the Kenyon flip-cup team are dressed in tutus and one is only wearing a carefully placed tube sock.
Kenyon's President enjoys the party too. The music is loud, the lights dim, and all of Kenyon is in a state of bliss. President Sarah Vender III is "pleased the kids are having so much fun, especially that adorable Topher Matthews. Is that Abby Miller dressed up as me?!"
Miller is "excited" her outfit turned out to be so convincing, unlike many of the Ladies' sad attempts at being prostitutes for the evening festivities.
The men's swim team shows up wearing speedos stuffed with various pieces of clothing. Senior so-captain of the swim team, Andrew Simmons, performs at the keg stand and a thong falls out of his suit while upside-down, "That's probably Katie Johnson's thong; I just took her virginity and ran away."

Orwell

I believe Orwell is trying to tell us that writing is not, and cannot be, simply a freely flowing record of the first things that come into one's mind. Writing is a discipline in itself that requires careful attention, studious thought and hard work. If you write only the words that jump into your mind first (likely to be irrelevant, useless clichés) you run the risk of incoherent writing, in which the ideas you are professing are either totally warped (by the use of words that are dated and intended for a different meaning entirely) or disappear altogether. When Orwell says "the worst thing one can do with words is surrender to them," he is saying that a writer cannot let the words be in charge. The writer must think carefully and analytically about each word he/she uses, in order to ensure that it is exactly the right word, with exactly the right meaning. If the writer 'surrenders' to the words and uses the first clichéd phrase that comes to mind, the intended message will be distorted (and eventually lost), perhaps even to the writer.

Fuck For My Generation

While some believe that the word “fuck” was used for the first time in the 1475 poem “Flen Flyys” and others are under the impression that the word stems from the 13th century tradition of deflowering brides-to-be, I am confident that I know the 21st century etymology.

Before I continue, let us first consider some of the many uses of the word:
1. the dictionary gives the following definition: “to have sexual intercourse with.” However, “fucking” is clearly different from “love-making” in the sense that it is inherently more feral and significantly less intimate. For example, people can be “fuck-buddies” but never “love-make-buddies” or even “have sex buddies.” Also, those that engage in promiscuous sex are said to “fuck around,” not “love-make around.”
2. the word can also mean “to take advantage of, betray, cheat, or victimize,” as in, “to fuck over.”
3. the word can mean “to act stupidly or carelessly,” as in, “to fuck up.”
4. finally, the exclamation “Fuck!” is often used when individuals do something that they sooner or later come to regret.

With these points in mind, I have come to the conclusion that for my generation, FUCK really stands for:
Frat-boys
Understand the
Cogency of
Kamikaze shots

This acronym is supposed to symbolize the all-too-typical scenario of frat boy meets girl (at a bar), gets girl drunk (with overly sweet alcoholic beverage), frat boy “fucks” girl, at least one of them regrets it in the morning.

Let me clarify this based on the four aforementioned uses of the word “fuck.”
1. they “fuck.” They don’t have sex and they certainly do not make love. By phrasing it this way, the act is inherently less meaningful.
2. even the dictionary acknowledges that “fucking” can entail taking advantage of someone… in this case, the drunk girl.
3. let’s face it, to some degree, one or both parties in the scenario “fucked up” (right after they got fucked up).
4. at some point, one or both parties may regret the act

This updated meaning of the term “fuck” manages to include all of its relevant points in a way that everyone in my generation can understand. Plus it partially explains why Group Therapy at Dunbar’s is so popular.


(The term “frat-boys” was used only because it starts with an F. This explanation can be applied to anyone, male or female, Greek or not. I have nothing against frat-boys… I am one).

Orwell on Writing

My interpretation of Orwell's statements about writing is that they are meant to discourage those writers who fall into the trap of using cliched, overused language and phrasing in their writing. Orwell argues that once one begins to employ these techniques, the writing is no longer representative of their thoughts and vision. Instead the sentences tend to "construct themselves," which leads a writer to become disassociated from the very thoughts he is trying to express in his writing.

Instead, Orwell recommends giving serious thought to how you want to express yourself in your writing. Instead of taking the easy route and using the ready-made phrases that allow your brain to go into auto-pilot throughout the writing process, it is important to construct each sentence with thoughtfulness and care. Only in this way can you be sure that what is being construed in the writing is what you have in mind i.e. you control the words rather than "surrendering" to them.

F.U.C.K. in the USA

To think that the word fuck is anything other than an acronym is absurd. However, the acronym most commonly associated with the origination of this important and significant word “Fornication Under Command of the King” is not, in fact, the true source.

I have spent countless hours researching the complex and convoluted past of the word fuck and have at long last found the acronym that brought this crucial term into our vernacular.

Surprisingly, the phrase actually came to use here at Cornell University where coed activity gave credit where credit was due and everyone knew that beer was king. We can now trace our favorite curse word back to the college students that have come before us and had…… “Fun Under Covers because of Kegs.”

To think that fuck originated somewhere in the English countryside and not at an American college campus is almost too much for me to handle. I am, therefore, glad I was able to set the record straight.

George Orwell

I understand Orwell’s statement as a warning about the danger of not speaking in one’s own voice as a writer. He feels that clichés are troublesome for the writer because they mean that the writer is not truly expressing what he or she feels. The writer is allowing the “ready-made phrase,” not his or her own thoughts, to speak. Orwell continues by saying that using unoriginal statements in writing carries the risk of obscuring the meaning of the ideas the writer is trying to convey. This is because a cliché by definition has a meaning of its own, so using one automatically connotes an idea in the mind of the reader; whatever original thought the writer is attempting to communicate is overshadowed by the prefabricated meaning of the cliché. For these reasons, Orwell cautions against “surrender[ing]” to words. If the writer is lazy and resorts to the use of stock phrases rather than attempting to express him or herself using original prose, those phrases end up having more autonomy than the writer does. Orwell believes that to prevent words from dictating meaning, a conscientious and thorough writer must take the time to find a way to convey his or her ideas with original language. If the writer resorts to expressions created by someone else, he or she is also resorting to ideas created by someone else.

Fucking Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers,

I was wondering if you might tell me the correct usage of the word, “fuck.” My mom only seems to use it to describe the toaster oven when it’s broken, but I am afraid she may be using it incorrectly.

Etymologically Confused in the Northeast

Dear Etymologically Confused in the Northeast,

I am a great believer in the correct usage of the English language, and when I heard that your mother has been misusing one of the most expressive expletives of our time, I felt I needed to respond to your letter immediately. “Fuck,” or “to fuck,” as in “shut your fucking mouth bitch,” has been used as a word that crosses race, gender, and class divides in our society. French in origin (those fucking French frogs, feed me freedom fries every goddamn fucking day), the verb “to fuck” was derived from the French “fouche,” meaning “to bang like a jackhammer.” Brought over as part of the dialogue of the French fur traders on the Hudson Bay, the word “fouche” was spread over establishments of ill repute and whenever bears were in mating season. The “damn mother-fucking Yankees,” with their broad New England accents, quickly changed from “fouche” to “fouch” to “fuck” to “mother fucking hoes.” As a result of this, when your mother refers to the toaster as “fucking broken,” or similar language misuses, she is simply comparing it to a jackhammer, which is often known to bang things repeatedly. Perhaps you should alert your mother next time you hear her improper use of the English language. Similarly, try to work this into your vocabulary whenever possible. If necessary, create a flashcard to help with memory. Mnemonic devices also work. I hope this clarifies your fucking shit-faced dumb-ass question.

Sincerely,
Ann Landers

4th Grade Spelling Bee Champ Has Help From Above

Kunkletown, PA — With her fourth grade class hushed, Ms. Johnson pronounced the final word of the class wide competition. The contest had come down to its final two contests. Greg Farber, 8, was a tense, heavy underdog considering his opponent — Stacy Luper, 9, the Bee champion the past two years at Harrisburg Elementary.

"Stacy is the best speller in the grade," Tracy Harris, Stacy's self-proclaimed "b.f.f.a.e." protested. "Everybody knows that."

But this year would prove different.

"MATH-E-MATICS," Ms. Johnson repeated slowly.

Luper began to spell the word but stumbled. The uncharacteristic mistake created a palpable buzz in the room. Luper had left the door open for Farber, and he jumped at the opportunity. After spelling the final word correctly, Ms. Johnson proclaimed him victor. Farber had completed the improbable upset — but not without a little help from above.

"I just want to thank God," Farber said as he clutched his championship certificate. "I couldn't have done it without you, and I thank you for giving me the strength to come through when it mattered most."

The pre-teen went on to thank his mother for testing him every morning and his best friend Harry Herl, who had moved to Harrisburg the summer before. But most of the credit was directed at his lord and savior, who he believes guided him to his victory.

"Sure I was prepared," said Farber. "Sure I studied every morning for the last week. Sure I was in the top five the past two years. But come on, this is Stacy Luper we are talking about. There's no way I could have done this without God at my side. I just thank him for his help."

lenny bruce is not afraid

For Sunday's blog post, please select from among the following topics:

1. You've had another week to let the uncanny brilliance of the The Onion seep into your mind. Why let that Onion-y flavor go to waste? Using the subject title as your headline, write a news-story parody that will amaze passersby with its huge amounts of ironic insight.

2. In "Politics and the English Language," Orwell says that you can "shirk" the responsibility of being a "scrupulous" writer "by simply throwing your mind open and letting the ready-made phrases come crowding in. They will construct your sentences for you--even think your thoughts for you, to a certain extent--and at need they will perform the important service of partially concealing your meaning even from yourself." He also writes, "In prose, the worst thing one can do with words is surrender to them." How do you understand what Orwell means here?

3. Maybe "fuck" isn't an acronym for "Fornication Under Command of the King" after all. But that doesn't mean we should stop wondering about its origins. Write a satirical history of this versatile, dangerous word.

For Tuesday, I want you to read a few chapters of Lenny Bruce's hugely influential autobiography, How to Talk Dirty and Influence People (a take-off on Art Carnegie's famous self-help book, How to Win Friends and Influence People). Start off with the introduction written by playwright, actor, and L. Bruce fan Eric Bogosian. Bogosian, who isn't as famous as he was fifteen years ago (think a darker, artsy-er, less cartoonish version of Lewis Black) makes some great points about Bruce's importance that we'll discuss together next week. Kenneth Tynan's foreword might be harder to follow, but it'll give you a sense of how Bruce was received across the Atlantic (do you think Tynan is a Marxist? yeah, so do I). As a theater critic, Tynan's championed the dramatic realism of the so-called Angry-Young-Men in Great Britain, which makes sense, given Bruce's own comedic/satirical style.

The rest of your reading assignment is divided into two parts. There's the sections I want you to read closely (more on that in a moment) and then there's the chapters you can read if you get the chance (I realize that time is limited for most of you, so I'm trying to be realistic here). The important sections: pp. 1-30, pp. 97-103, pp. 129-133. Less important sections: pp. 31-51, pp. 79-90.

Now to reading L. Bruce closely. Try to go some place quiet to read the "important" sections of the autobiography. If you find yourself put-off or confused by him, give him another chance. Imagine that he's the wacked-out but totally fearless guy that everyone knows from high school (well, a lot of us knew in high school--in fact, maybe some of us *were* that person in high school), and you've just run into him at the bus stop. You weren't that close to him, and you're not sure you really like him, but for an hour or so, what's the harm in listening to the strange, interesting story he has to tell? If you're lucky, you may begin to understand why he's one of the most important performers in the US since World War II, and why so many people from previous generations think of him as Saint Lenny.

Oh. And prepare to be shocked. And offended. And, yes, a lot of what he says will seem dated to you.

Conferences

We'll start our first round of conferences after Thursday's class. Below are the times when I'll be available on Thursday and Friday in Goldwin Smith 338B. To claim one of the slots, enter your name and the time you want in the "Comments" section of this post. I'll post more times next week.

Thursday

3:00 - 3:20PM - Stephanie A.
3:30 - 3:50 - Michelle C.
4:00 - 4:20 - Leo R.
4:30 - 4:50 - Ben K.
5:00 - 5:20
5:30 - 5:50
6:00 - 6:20

Friday

2:00 - 2:20PM - David F.
2:30 - 2:50 - Sarah V.
3:00 - 3:20 - Jenna O.
3:30 - 3:50 - Ed P.
4:00 - 4:20 - David T.
4:30 - 4:50 - Julia W.

Better Late Than Never

This is President’s week, marking the winter recess for high schools across the country. For Those on Cornell’s campus, that means hundreds of Prefroshs lurking the sidewalks of central campus. In addition, hundreds of eccentric parents are not only clogging the walking lanes, but asking students to take keepsake pictures and every intersection.

If you have ever had any social interaction with these concerned parents, there are belligerent congruencies. They are all pose the same questions (How is the student life?), admire over the same landmarks (The Naked Guy and that Dairy Bar a zillion miles away) and want to see a sample a sample dorm room (as if the dorm room here is vastly different than at the school they visited yesterday). All of these questions should be answered with a plain old FU, but like the brilliant Cornellians we are, we take great pleasure out of stretching the truth. We tell them we’re involved in all the organizations on campus, when in reality we’ve maybe been to one meeting ever. We tell them we always meet people at the naked guy, we LOVE the dairy bar and always eat there. We assure them that our dorms aren’t that far away from classes, when we really mean it doesn’t seem that far after 1am.

The Prefrosh Season is one that we all have experienced and many take great comfort by exploiting for pleasure. As we continue deeper into the season we all must remember to keep those fantiful stories in the front of our minds so when you are stopped in the hall by prospective Cornell Dad, you can really make our school, Cornell, standout.

Bush Models Iran Invasion After Successful Invasion/Democratization of Iraq

WASHINGTON, Friday, February 16th—President Bush announced today that he and his advisors had begun to formulate a strategy for the invasion of Iran. "Me and my people are basing our new plan off of the military and political successes the U.S. experienced in Iraq," Bush said. "Why change what works?"

After receiving credible intelligence that top Iranian officials were behind recent attacks on U.S. soldiers in Iraq, the Bush administration quickly responded by consulting with the intelligent officials responsible for notifying the administration about the existence of WMD's in Iraq. "Listen," Bush said in a speech to reporters on Friday, "The guys who warned us about the WMD's in Iraq were clearly correct, and this is why I have commissioned them to tell me about the secret dangers in Iran."

Following the press conference The White House released a document to the media which detailed Bush's plan to circumvent congressional authorization for his invasion of Iran. "Congress is controlled by the fucking Democrats! Why the hell would I ask them what they thought about my plan to invade Iran? I'll seek Cheney's approval for the plan, but that's all! Plus, I didn't ask for their permission for the Iraq thing, so why would I ask them for their permission for this?" Bush went on to explain that the Iranian government is part of the axis of evil. "They tried to kill my father." When a reporter corrected Mr. Bush by informing him that it was Saddam Hussein who is rumored to have put out a contract on his father's life, Bush responded "Iran, Iraq...they both have oil!"

In recent months much speculation has centered on Iran's nuclear development program and its possible intentions of using nuclear weapons against the U.S. or Israel. Bush's plan seeks to incapacitate the military capabilities of Iran in much the same way as was done in Iraq. "We're going to destroy the entire fucking infrastructure in Iran. There will be no clean water, and no electricity! Iraqi's still don't have water and electricity and they haven't been successful at launching any nuclear attacks. It is obvious that we must destroy all civilian infrastructures in Iran, and never repair it, in order to thwart the country's evil nuclear ambitions," Bush said.

The Bush administration has allocated 50 billion dollars in cash for the Iran war effort in much of the same way as was done for the Iraq war. On Friday, Bush, while responding to questions, expressed complete confidence that the money will be fully accounted for. "During the Iraq war I gave the Pentagon 50 Billion dollars in cash and there was clearly no corruption, cronyism, or waste in that war. I'm going to stick with what works," Bush is quoted as saying.

Tony Snow, Bush's press secretary, announced to reporters that, just in time for the new Iran war, Bush had declared, for a second time, an end to major combat operations in Iraq. "We have achieved democratization in Iraq. The President has officially ended that successful democratization effort and will now move on to democratize Iran." Mr. Snow closed the press conference by announcing to reporters that The President has moved the Oval Office to his Texas ranch. "Mr. Bush will work tirelessly from his Texas Ranch to head the new war effort." After being asked why the President would do such a thing, Mr. Snow responded, "Mr. Bush has many obligations to his family and to his country. The Iran war is only one of the many obligations he has. By working from his ranch, Bush can more effectively juggle the duties he has to his family, such as exercising his thoroughbreds, with the duties he has to his country." After being asked by a reporter how the average American could aid in the war effort against Iran, Bush responded, "they can buy more, and ask fewer questions... Dick Cheney has no relation to Halliburton!"

Petty to Tour with Clinton

Petty to Tour with Clinton

Just two weeks after Hilary Clinton officially announced her bid to become the first female president in the United States, she is seeking to break down a barrier of different sorts. Clinton decided yesterday to employ Tom Petty as a campaign manager and opening act to promote her firm stance regarding the vote she cast to support the Iraq war in 2002. Despite the current consensus that 70% of Americans disagree with the war, Hilary has recently proclaimed she would rather lose potential voters than repudiate her original position. During the primaries, Petty will open for Clinton in each city with the same song but Clinton is confident that ‘I Won’t Back Down’ will accurately portray her tough attitude to the American people. Clinton was quoted as saying, “Tom is a great friend of mine because we share a lot of the same ideals, namely toughness. His lyrics truly reflect my resolute nature. I am strong like bull.” This will mark the first time in history that a Presidential candidate will unite forces with a musician on a campaign trail. Almost four years after the invasion of Iraq, the hard line that Clinton has taken could reshape the climate of the presidential race. But as Petty said, “one thing is for sure--those gates of hell have nothing on Hilary!”

Nice Guys Finish Writing Assignments Last

Ithaca, NY - Cornell University senior Ed Pak attributed his struggles to completing an 8:00 writing assignment to "being a nice guy." Pak was stuck cooking in a kitchen throughout the day on Sunday 3 or 4 days after Valentine's Day, in preparation for a Valentine's Day dinner for 7 of his female friends. When asked about the possible negative academic consequences of this gallant act, he shrugged, saying: "They say that nice guys always finish last... this only applies to my writing assignment this week. Right now, there are seven lovely ladies in my living room... what now, suckas!"

What's a snow day?

Dear Editor,

I'm writing this letter to commend the administration of Cornell University on their handling of the recent snowstorm. Not shutting down the university for the day when the mayor of Ithaca declared a snow emergency showed immeasurable intelligence, foresight, and consideration. Their actions allowed thousands of university employees to experience the exhiliration of multiple near-death experiences while driving to campus. You've never truly lived until you have unwillingly put your car into an uncontrollable skid on the wrong side of the road, as a speeding car approaches. The joy of the trip down to Ithaca can only be rivalled by the excitement of being sent home a few hours after your arrival, allowing you to drive back home at noon, the peak of the snowstorm's intensity. Similarly, students were afforded the pleasure of trudging to class in knee-high snow and gusting winds. By not notifying students of the university's eventual noon closing until an hour after the fact, even more Cornell students were able to feel this pleasure of navigating a blizzard only to arrive to a locked building full of vacant classrooms! If that doesn't build character, I don't know what does.

To be honest, my only qualm with the university's handling of this situation was that they closed at all! Next time, stand by your guns administration. A little snow never hurt anyone.

Talking to Myself

To the Editor:

There is nothing I enjoy more than waking up and walking to my 9:05 class, only to find that classes have been cancelled until 10:10 AM. The sheer joy that overcomes me when I realize that my walk served no purpose other than pure exercise is unmatched by any experience I've had at Cornell. The process is particularly pleasant when I've stayed up until 3 or 4 in the morning checking Cornell.edu to find out if class will go on; I view it as God's way of telling me I need a workout.

I do not enjoy exercise; left to my own devices, I probably would not wake up at that time to go to the gym. Heck, I might never have gone to the gym had Cornell not built that pretty one down on West Campus. But because the University went out of its way to ensure that the late start-time was a big surprise for all of its staff and students, I got a work out. A divine intervention if I've ever seen one!

Thanks, Cornell.

-- You

Cornell Did Nothing Wrong

To the Editor,

I write this letter to express my admiration for the manner in which Cornell University handled the recent Valentine’s Day snow storm.

I know that many have bemoaned the fact that campus was not closed until 12:30 pm. They wonder how the university could have failed to realize that the storm would be problematic for professors and staff members who commute to Ithaca from as far away as Cortland and Binghamton. They say that classes should have been canceled in the morning, so that no one would have had to travel on unplowed, icy, windy roads to get to campus, only to be forced to turn around again and head home in the same treacherous conditions.

I, on the other hand, commend Cornell’s decision to stay open for the morning. How were the administrators in charge of the decision supposed to know that the storm would be so troublesome? I could understand criticizing them if they had prior experience in dealing with unfavorable weather conditions, but we all know that this is not the case at Cornell. Winter comes and goes so quickly in Ithaca that there are years when it doesn’t snow at all! (By the way, I don’t know why everyone from the South complains about having to buy new clothes when they get to Cornell, because I know that I’ve hardly found a use for my heavy-duty winter jacket in the four years that I’ve been here.) Because they have had such minimal experience dealing with snow, then, there is no way that Cornell administrators could have known that the storm was going to continue throughout the day when they woke up and saw that a foot of snow had already fallen and that the weather forecasters were predicting snow for at least another 24 hours. Honestly, who really believes that the Weather Channel knows what it’s talking about, anyway? It’s not like they have any experience or track record of accurately forecasting weather conditions.

In closing, I would like to re-state my adamant support of Cornell’s decision not to close until the middle of the day, when it would be most convenient for students who had trudged through snowdrifts to get to class to leave campus and for professors and staff to drive home on unplowed and unsalted roads. Cornell has never before been faced with snow, and the people in charge of making decisions did the best that they could. I do not feel right about judging them too harshly. After all, there may come a time when I will be faced with a difficult choice for which I will have no prior experiences to rely on and no one providing me with predictive information that could be helpful in my decision-making process. I only hope that I will be able to handle such an ordeal with the same level of organization and professionalism that Cornell exhibited this past Wednesday.

Sincerely,
Cornell’s Biggest Fan

No Alien Pigs of Mass Destruction After All

Last thursday, convinced that several hundred thousand alien life-forms resembling the popular children's character Piglet were invading his Texas ranch, President Bush sent United States Ambassador Joseph Wilson to his beloved home to investigate. Although both the previous Ambassador, the chief of ranch security and Bush's own great-uncle (who was staying at the ranch at the time) had confirmed that alien Piglets were not in fact anywhere to be seen, the president remained unconvinced, certain that the run down tree-houses out back were hiding the Piglets from view.

Upon his return Saturday Ambassador Wilson handed in a 400 page report detailing all he had observed on the president's ranch. His conclusion: there were no Piglets.

But even this could not dissuade the President. In the State of the Union address last night Bush fired up his followers with his list of evidence. Large amounts of honey had been received at the ranch from the home of Winnie P (coincidentally, also the name of the beekeeper down the road), a fellow with initials C.R. (clearly standing for Christopher Robin) had come to call, though he claimed to be selling Tupperware, and the broken down tree houses were undoubtedly secret nuclear labs being used to construct the Piglets' weapons of mass destruction.

Determined to strike before the Piglets unleashed their weapons, President Bush (at the behest of political writer Ann Coulter and personal advisor, Karl Rove) ordered an airstrike on his own beloved Texas Ranch.

After the extensive search of the 10 mile blast radius that took place this morning, officials decided that the Piglets had never been there. Oops! Better luck next time, Mr. President.

SNOW DAY TOO MUCH FOR CORNELL WEATHER MACHINE

ITHACA, NY - Cornell University's closing last Wednesday came after its widely-speculated upon weather machine failed. Officials in the administration met in a clandestine bunker at 3:30am that day and decided to proceed with plans to cause the storm to dump on Syracuse, as they have done since 1865. Much to their chagrin the storm was too much for the weather machine to handle and last-minute attempts to fix it proved futile.

President Skorton explained, "You should have seen this thing when we turned it up to max power! I was in the room and, holy crap, there was lightning and snow and it was raining up from the floor! Then it exploded and I went back in time for a few hours, which was great because who the hell would want to be in Ithaca during that storm?"

With the overload induced destruction of the Cornell Weather Controller another must be built in time for Cornell Days this April.

Professor Henry Waichowski, head of the Cornell University Weather Conroller Laboratory, described his plan to rebuild the system, "If there is one thing this university has plenty of, its engineers that would love to wield supernatural powers. We'll be offering a 6 week, 15 credit class to ensure that the Weather Controller is rebuilt and capable to withstand storms twice as great as the one that saved me from recognizing my crushing loneliness this past Valentine's Day."

When asked, "Can you believe the Weather Controller broke?" most students responded that, they "fuckin' knew it was real!" Junior Ben Cannon, AEM major from Anchorage, Alaska, elaborated, "That's why the weather is always so fucking nice during Cornell Days! I came here my senior year of high school and it was like 78 degrees and sunny. I thought I was going to school in the goddamn tropics! I get here freshman year and it's like 9 degrees on the first day of school. If I wanted to freeze my balls off I would have gone to Community College with the damn penguins and Eskimos back home!"

Lazy Dayz

Dear Editor,

I am writing you from my couch. This is my fifth day in a row of quality couch time due to the convenient schedule I made for myself this semester and a little help from the weather gods. This has given me plenty of time for quiet introspection – during commercials, naturally. What I have determined is that the school needs to rethink the weekday to weekend ratio. Students today have entirely too much free time on their hands. I speak from experience, having not had Friday classes since I was an eager and motivated freshman.

This speaks to a broader problem which is that students have too much freedom. Students, such as myself, are allowed and even encouraged to embrace their inner laziness. Classes are picked not for their interesting or compelling subjects but for their convenient times and even their well-suited locations. This is a travesty and proves that college students are not capable at planning their schedule on their own.

Left to their own devices it seems that students spend entirely too much time on couches, in bars, and otherwise wasting their young lives away. I say, take the power away from us because we clearly cannot handle the responsibility. I personally never want to have the option of watching movies on demand for five straight afternoons again.

While I have much more to say, a Law & Order marathon is starting so I’ll have to end my letter now.

Sincerely,
Concerned Student with a Severe Case of Senioritis

Local Man Charged With Chili Mishap

Ithaca, NY - After all the ticket stubs had been collected and trash cans filed with styrofoam bowls and plastic spoons had been emptied, one man sat expressionless at the far end of the snow-filled Commons. After dolling out portions of his homemade chili to hungry patrons all afternoon, Mr. Jacob Harson, 43, was exposed for using dog food rather than ground meat when preparing his product.

"I must have served a hundred, no, two hundred bowls of that stuff today," said the despondent Harson, an Ithaca local for over 21 years. "People kept coming back for more, saying that my chili had a special something about it that made it so delicious."

While loading his car early Saturday morning, Harson grabbed a final case of what he believed to be ground chop meat from his basement. With no major markings to differentiate the dog food from the taco meet, Harson loaded his first batch of chili with the foreign feed.

"At first it was by mistake," Harson admitted. "But when I went to make a second batch, I saw the empty can in the trash and realized what had happened. But everybody seemed to enjoy it so much, I figured what they didn't know wouldn't kill them. Ignorance is bliss, right?"

Harson continued to serve his chili with dog meat for the remainder of the afternoon, assuming nobody would wise up to his "secret" ingredient. The proud vendor continued serving his tainted product throughout the afternoon, accepting praise and congratulations from his many seemingly satisfied customers.

It wasn't until the end of the day that an official from the festival approached Harson as he was folding his tent up and preparing to go home. The woman asked him what meat he had used in his chili, and when unable to come up with a response, she reached behind her and pulled out an empty can of "Meaty Chow Down Dog Food."

"She said she found a can lying next to my tent earlier in the day," Harson said. "She must have known the whole time, but didn't want to embarrass me in front of my family and friends who had come out in support."

After admitting what had happened, Harson was left to contemplate his deceptive actions. His punishment is pending but it seems fair to assume that Harson will not be allowed to set up shop come next year. Aside from that, Harson's fate is still unknown.

"I just hope they don't make me eat a batch of my own stuff as punishment," Harson said. "I've had bad experiences in the past when it comes to eating dog food. Long story, don't ask."

Local Area Asian Student Tired of Stereotypes

New York- Alan Chung, a Sophmore Political Science/Biology double major at New York University, has spent the last 5 years of his life battling stereotypes, and he's tired of it.

"I hate how people judge you based off of the color of your skin. It's suffocating, and it makes me feel like I can't be the person I really am," Chung said. "Just because you're Chinese doesn't mean that you're going to be good at basketball."

Ever since Yao Ming's much ballyhooed entrance into the NBA, the 6'7 Chung has been having to deal with his dorm and classmates attempts to force him to get on the court and "ball". Continually praised for his 35 inch vertical, "mad ill" handle with the "rock", and silky smoothe jumper, Chung's friends spend hours a day coaxing him go to the gym, telling him that he'll have his "shit worked out" for his post graduate years if he just picks up a basketball.

"That motherfucka' needs to get out to Rucker Park and tear shit up," Arpan Suvagiya, Chung's Genetics lab partner, proclaimed. "He's always reading books. I have no idea where that came from. That shit can't give him what ballin' can. You know, academics and shit? Everyday, me and my boys is like, 'A-Money, becoming a doctor is stupid as hell. You think your Asian ass gonna be a doctor? Yeah right!' Last time I saw an Asian doctor was that Korean chick on Grey's Anatomy. Chung's bitch-ass don't listen to shit. Just want to study! Wastin' his goddamn life and gettin' his ass deep in BioChem."

Chung is tired of hearing it, and he is ready to take a stand. He has already joined the Science League and Aviation team at NYU which both hold weekly meetings every Tuesday and Thursday night, respectively, at exactly the same times as his intramural basketball team, The Ill Nanas, hold practice.

"I figured if I showed them how important academic success was to me by getting involved in something like Science League, they'd understand I'm not like the rest of the Asian kids who just play basketball. That I'm different. That I like to study and use my mind, you know?"

Unfortunately for Chung, his friends refuse to let him leave the team that he has committed to behind.

"Science League? That shit for real?" Varun Sinha, a 6th year English major, exclaimed upon hearing the news of Chung's defection from the team. "Gonna have to crack some nerd skulls, and get A-Money's ass back on the team. Science League? Like beakers and shit? Man, once an Ill Nana, always an Ill Nana. Better recognize that shit. We run deep like blood, son. Ain't no leavin'."

Chung however was not intimidated stating that, "Varun is always threatening to make hits on people when they try to get involved in something other than basketball. He rarely follows through. His parents would get angry as hell, and withdraw his tuition if he ever got caught. Besides, he already has a record for touching himself in public and shoplifting. Third strike and he's out."

Like Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks before him, Chung is ready to take a stand of non-violence to end judgments based purely off of the color of one's skin, and to free all Asians of the restrictive stereotype that have spent years battling, no matter the sacrifice.

"I know that some day the public will look upon the Asian community and see more than a jump shot or tomahawk dunk," Chung said. "That we as a people are not defined by the color of our Nike Airs or the size of our over sized icey white t-shirts. On that day, they will finally see that we are an intelligent people, a hard working people, that have dreams outside of the confines of the basketball court. One day that dream will be realized... when I overcharge their asses for a routine checkup. Word is bond."

Complaints From Collegetown

I'll admit Cornell University is a pretty great place to spend four years; I absolutely love it here in Ithaca. In fact, I could write an entire novel about everything excellent regarding going to college here, the professors, the classes, the sweet life. However, I'm using this opportunity to outline my #1 grievance with Cornell, my primary complaint, the true reason I won't donate my millions (once I make them) to this fine institution unless I'm heard and see a response from Scorton et al.
Thumbs up to Cornell for designing a successful 1st year experience on north campus. Everything necessary is nearby (including but not limited to: two dining halls, two gyms, a mail center, two late night food sources, 34895792 lounges, and a few quads). Unfortunately, once Cornell's bright minds leave north campus, we begin to notice our naivety; this place is not perfect.
For instance, until this year the gym facilities open to non-athletes included Helen Newman and Appel (both on North) and Teagle (which, I'm really sorry for being blunt, BLOWS). Now there's this new sleek Equinoxish gym on West, and it is amazing! I'm the first person to say good job, Cornell...until wait, there's absolutely NO PLACE TO PARK. The only people who will use the gym without consistent complaints are frat boys who acquired a new hang-out next door (Psi U, DTD, Sigma Phi, Phi Psi--you guys should be sending thank you notes to David J. Skorton every frickin' day). Are they serious? Put a few million dollars into an athletic facility and make students WALK there?! That's ridiculous. More students live in Collegetown than on west campus, so why do they get a sick new gym? My suggestion for campus administrators is to invest in a gym for Collegetown. College Ave. is pleading for the University's help, an economic boost (on average, there are a half-dozen empty storefronts), and I promise a gym would balance out the street and add some diversity--walking on College Ave you've got: eat, drink, buy stupud stuff, eat, drink, eat, eat, bank, buy a bike, eat, drink, eat, eat, eat, eat. BUILD A GYM, please.
Even though I'm graduating in May, and even though I've had to endure the inadequacy of Cornell's athletic facilities, I beg you to consider a change. I'm 100% certain I am not the only grieving student on this issue. For the health, wellness, happiness, and size of Cornellians who follow me, please build a gym in Collegetown. If you build it...they will come.

FEMALE STUDENTS CLAIM WEARING HIGH HEELS IN WINTER IS WORTH IT

ITHACA, NY- Despite twisted ankles and repeated face plants into snow banks, female students at Cornell University cannot get enough of their high-heeled shoes. While most people find snow boots to be the practical choice while trekking through blizzards, these ladies must dress to impress no matter what the cost.

"When I go to the bar, I have to look my best, which means I have to be wearing heels," claims a second semester senior. "I only have three and a half months left to get my M.R.S. degree and I am not going to let a little snow get in the way of that."

Another students claims that wearing heels prevents her jeans from getting those ugly salt rings. "Slipping is the price I pay to keep my jeans salt-free. High heels give me just the right height so my jeans don't drag on the ground."

Cornell University declared a snow day this past Wednesday, which created a prime opportunity for many students to get in another drinking session in Collegetown. One student amused herself by watching hoards of high-heeled females attempt to climb the unplowed hill of Catherine Street. "I saw one girl fall 17 times, two of which were flat on her face. She was a mess by the time she reached the top, but damn, those heels were hot."

Bush Views Army’s Loss as a Win, Consequently Summons More Troops

BUSH VIEWS ARMY’S LOSS AS A WIN, CONSEQUENTLY SUMMONS MORE TROOPS

WASHINGTON DC – In a White House press conference this morning, President Bush rejected the idea that the Army women’s softball team was swept by the Kennesaw State Owls – first 16-1, then 8-2.

President Bush accused the “liberal media” of trying to twist the lopsided scores to appear to be losses. He added that, in his opinion, losing 16 to 1 is “a great big W.” “In fact,” he said, “if the Army women’s softball team lost, then the terrorists have already won!”

Bush went on to declare the game to be a “mission accomplished” by the “those softball-playin’ hotties.” He added that the team successfully followed his advice of “let’s roll… all over the Kennesaw State Owls women’s softball team.”

The President made it clear that he would personally see to it that all necessary steps would be taken to ensure that “the Patriot Act would allow for wire-tapping of all supporters of the Kennesaw State women’s softball team to ensure that they realize who the true victors were.”

Moreover, President Bush said that in their next game against the Georgia State Panthers, there would be a troop insurgence, and that 1,000 heavily armored soldiers would be sent in to suppress the “ferocious Lady Panthers’ infield and guarantee Black Knight victory.” Army reserves are currently being called in for softball duty training.

Additionally, Lady Panthers' All-Region pitcher, Ashley Cowan, was sent to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation.

Ithaca Students Embrace Ambiguous Sexuality

ITHACA STUDENTS EMBRACE AMBIGUOUS SEXUALITY

Cornell University students are using the months of January and February to prove that they are ahead of their peers in more areas then aeronauticalphysics-electrichemical engineering. In a selfless act of protest against vanity, students throughout the university are using this time to make it extremely difficult to judge the sexuality of individual students walking around campus. Ambiguously male/female student Alex Williams claims, “My oversized black jacket, scarf, gloves, hat, ski mask, and L.L Bean ‘oatmeal’ colored long johns make it hard to tell if I’m a girl or a boy. This is very liberating for me, and allows me to walk a mile in the hiking boots of those fashion losers the rest of the year. I’m happy to say that I feel sympathy and pity for them, and in the spring if I pass one in Olin Café, I probably won’t cut ahead of them in line.”

Even top officials, like the Cornell director of student diversity, are excited about Cornell student’s ability to relate to those less fortunate. “These students, the walking promoters of ambiguous sexuality, are so much better then those red ‘Diversity Arches’ we put up last year,” says the director. “Plus, people are much less likely to draw graffiti all over each other’s diversity efforts. We consider this the crowing achievement of Cornell’s diversity program, and feel it can be attributed 100% to the diversity training freshman receive upon arrival.”

Sources disclose that the university will continue this diversity celebration annually, or “at least until global warming really hits.”

Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

I am writing in order to express my extreme dismay in regards to the Cornell University Snow Day that took place on Wednesday, February 14th. It was our first snow day in ten years and I sincerely hope, our last.

Listen, Cornell, my parents pay a lot of money for me to come here, and I am positive that they do not want that money going towards a day of drunken debauchery in the name of snow.

Sure, there was an average of ten car accidents per minute. Sure, we lost four students in the morning hours in a snowdrift. Sure, the mayor sent emails to all the students notifying us of a “snow emergency”. But, hell, what does the mayor know? I mean, honestly, she is a woman. Why am I not surprised that she would be afraid of a little snow?

The bottom line is none of those minor incidents warrant a snow day in my book. If you walk outside and your head is above ground, you better be able to get your ass to class. The sad part is once we made it to 12:04pm, I felt proud, convinced the administration shared the same standards I did and was going to pull through. But noooo, effective 12:05pm, the university closed—and with it, the chapter in my life in which I had any respect for this establishment.

Students rejoiced at the idea and in response, went to various fraternities and drank themselves into oblivion. Considering it was also Valentine’s Day, I do not think I would be wrong in predicting that the rate of sexually transmitted diseases on campus doubled on that fateful Wednesday.

To end this letter, I have a message to send to Cornell—don’t look at me if you see a lot of pre-med girls and hotelies with bumps in their stomachs forming in say, five months. You only have yourself to blame.

Sincerely,

Distressed and Undersexed

Area Man Ruins Weekend With Delusional Demands

Time to peel your own onion and make us all cry. Please choose between the following two topics and post to the blog by 8PM Sunday:

1. Write your own satirical newspaper piece for The Onion. Your post title should function as the headline. Everything is fair game except for people in the class. And their family members. And their friends. And their pets. And their--you get the point.

2. Write a satirical Letter to the Editor commenting on a recent on-campus event or incident.

Poetry? No thanks.

The thing about poetry is that it so frequently diminishes the topic it’s meant to address. For example, the concept of love has all but been murdered by bad poets pontificating on broken hearts and ‘deep’ emotion. 9/11 is too important a topic to be subject to such destruction. Poetry can also be particularly inaccessible, which I think diminishes its value as a means of representing post-9/11 culture. Even the densest of comics with the most sophisticated commentary and references has accompanying pictures to flesh out the point it makes. Additionally, 9/11 culture is intertwined with certain images – starting with the towers collapsing on that date, continuing through the invasion of American flags alluded to in Spiegelman’s comic and Katha Pollit’s column and today with newscasts of war in Iraq. It is harder to convey thoughts about images –- satirical or otherwise -- without actually seeing them. And if it is satire that’s meant to be conveyed, then I would argue that I think poetry does not go well with satire. Without complete sentences, it’s sometimes difficult to detect sarcasm.

Under God

After reading page 12 of "Get Your War On," I was reminded of the time when a federal appeals court ruled the "Under God" segment of the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional. After a quick search, I discovered that the ruling took place on June 27, 2002 and the segment of "Get Your War On" came out on July 11, 2002. Although this could be a coincidence, the dates suggest that the constant use of "Under God" in this page was a reaction to the court ruling. I agree with the other people who have already posted on this issue: Rees was criticizing the Bush administration's use of Christianity to justify their actions while fighting the "War on Terror." I especially like the frame that reads, "remember when a reporter asked George W. Bush who his favorite political philosopher was, and he answered "Jesus Christ?" Do you think Jesus would have rolled over in his grave, if he hadn't risen from it?" I can't think of a better way to point out that U.S foreign policy is not in line with the Christian values it claims to be following.

Voltron BLahhhh

Me: Hark, mighty Voltron, where the hell did you come from?

Voltron: Alas, future leader, I am here to protect you from evil doers.

Me: but wait? Aren’t you an evil doer?

Voltron: No,I am not an evil doer, I endure freedom.

Me: Than why are you here?

Voltron: I am here to tell you about how we will endure freedom.

Me: why?

Voltron: you can’t endure freedom unless you have support.

Me: You are so scary looking, how can I support you? Everyone is scared of you!

Voltron: I use coalitions for support; I know what needs to be fixed and everyone follows me.

Me: Well if you use coalitions to support, what do you use to fix the problems?

Voltron: Problems? Voltron doesn’t know about any problems.

Superbowl Cartoon

I was on theonion.com browsing through "articles" to find my inspiration for this blog, and I came across a single frame cartoon of the "the real superbowl." I thought it was surprisingly similar to what we have been discussing in class. It is a single football player, representing the USA, carrying a football labeled "freedom." He is running towards the endzone through mowed-down players, representing Iraquis. In the crowd are signs proclaiming "We're #1" and the like. I thought what was most interesting was that the USA player is saying "finally, a chance to go all the way." This is so similar to the David Rees cartoons in class, mostly because it satirizes American culture: our obsession with football, winning, etc. It depicts the US as taking advantage of Iraq while they are down, so to speak (hence the Iraqui players laying dead and bloody on the field). It's tune immediately struck a chord with me, and I was hoping other people could check it out. Also, the cartoon could be poking fun at how so many Americans tune into the Superbowl, and so readily forget about the war in Iraq. However, it is the Onion so it might not mean anything at all.
The link: http://www.theonion.com/content/cartoon/feb-07-2007

Under God?

Rees uses the phrase 'Under God' repeatedly throughout his comics to satirize the Bush administrations excessive employment of the phrase. The Bush administration uses 'Under God' as a blanket justification for many of their actions, most particularly in Iraq (that and 'we're keeping America safe'). Rees shows how commonplace the justification has become by having his characters repeat it after every sentence (pg. 12). The characters say "I totally forgot we were waging war in Afghanistan until we...bombed the "Under God" out of some innocent locals." This implies (sarcastically) that it's ok we bombed innocent locals because we did it 'Under God.' Furthermore I'd like to point out the similarity between Bush's use of 'Under God' as a justification for war (and bombing 'innocent locals') and the terrorist belief of reward in the afterlife for having done the work of God. Hmmm...I wonder which side God is really on.

Voltron's use of the phrase 'Under God?' was somewhat confusing to me. But having read the previous posts, I agree with Sarah's idea that Voltron's 'Under God?' might indicate that the Bush administration is running out of excuses. No longer able to offer legal and political reasons for the continuing war, the admin tentatively offers 'Under God?' and hopes the public will grab onto it. But it is also possible that he is speaking sarcastically and saying 'Under God' critically, i.e. 'What a bunch of crap. This is your justification?" If this were the case, we would have to take Voltron's previous parody of the Nicene Creed as just that, a parody, and not as his true beliefs. In which case, Voltron as a representation of the U.S. admin doesn't make much sense. But then, what is he supposed to be?

Politics, under God.

I have read page 12 of get your war on many times and I still cannot find a coherent theme for Rees' use of "Under God." Its meaning is so varied and confused that it really means nothing. Oh, well I guess that was Rees' point. In the first frame the phrase "under God" simply does not fit - it was said as an afterthought, as though it is a necessary part of any sentence. In the second frame it implies that the war with Iraq is religious in nature and in the third frame it takes on a more traditional prayer-like quality. In the fourth frame "under God" seems to be a stand-in for "shit." Finally, when Voltron says, "Under God?" it can be interpreted as the US abusing the phrase to distract from what is really going on - we're a war-machine in a suit. Though Rees is making a point about American foreign policy (see Michelle's post referencing the "crusade"), I think that the most important point he makes is the vapid, hallow nature of God in politics. There are enough stupid people in this country that don't think about how God's name is being abused in politics and instead run under the flag every time He is used as justification for anything.

Comics as a form of expression

'Get Your War On' served the same purpose for David Rees as 'In The Shadow of No Towers' served for Art Spiegelman. Both of these authors/artists used this creative medium in order to come to terms with the events and find a way to express their emotions -- something they could not do otherwise. Many artistically-inclined individuals turned to their preferred form of expression after the trauma of 9/11 as a cathartic exercise. Most great art, in fact, is a product of the creator's experience with tragedy.

Rees' comics, however, had several defining characteristics that seperated them from Spiegelman's work. The art was very simple -- the core of his work was clearly in the dialogue between the characters. Rees has said in interviews that he doesn't enjoy writing in any form other than comics. My impression is that placing words that he truly believes into the mouths of his characters seperates him from his own controversial ideas, but allows him to voice them nonetheless. Rees uses his characters as a way to vent and express his undying anger towards numerous people ("George W. Bush now appears to be a monarch"), groups (The repetition of "under God" on page 12, for one, can be seen as a criticism of evangelical Christians), beliefs ("Monotheistic religion has always brought out the best in us humans; thank you so much for the idea of a supernatural entity who rewards people in the afterlife!") and policies ("After eight straight weeks of bombing, I don't like the idea of people still walking around Afghanistan!") related to the events of 9/11 without having to deal with the backlash from the public that would come if he had said these things outright (as Ann Coulter experienced, for example).

comic strips

David Rees uses the structure of a comic strip to portray what is really on his mind after 9/11. It seems to be the only form in which a political satirist or anyone for that matter could truly commentate on the situation. To me, a poem should be retained for more light-hearted events. The tone of these comic strips allows Rees to mock his government and the war and religion and other serious topics that, in a poem, couldn't be detailed in such a truthful manner. A poem could represent how the author feels but the voice that is allowed in a comic strip is what sets it apart. The literal sarcasm employed in these strips is utterly ridiculous in some frames, but yet I am thinking along the same lines.

For example (reference to page 11, frames 6 and the last frame), the fact W was reading to a classroom of children for 5 minutes after he was notified about the first plane, and then the second one, is just maddening. (In my eyes, that children's book can be seen as a microcosm of the ineptitude that will define this administration.) If you've seen video of that scene, it appears as though he isn't really thinking much of anything at that point, let alone immediately exiting the classroom. Would it seriously have taken a plane crashing into that children's classroom (under God Forbid) to hit a nerve in Bush that morning? or the WTC crashing into the Pentagon (Can you imagine that?) as Rees writes. Only a comic strip would have allowed Rees to make this outrageous accusation.

under god

The repeated use of the phrase “under god” and other similar religious expressions throughout David Rees’ work suggest the inherent conflict or even hypocrisy in aspects of US foreign policy and American cultural thought after 9/11. I think Rees uses this phrase to shed light on the tendency of the Bush administration to use religion or religiously-based ideology to support and defend its actions regardless of the actual relation those actions may have to religion. Similarly, Rees’ repeated use of “under god” further suggests the over-saturation of the concept in the rhetoric of US foreign policy.

After 9/11 the distinctions between patriotism and religion became blurred and to many Americans what each represented became synonymous with the other. Religion became infused into secular aspects of society and culture. I believe Rees is conveying the need to separate the two. It suggests that more is needed to justify war than a blanket claim that god supports it and perhaps that the American public should be more wary of the repeat use of this defense by the government. I think religion has a place in society but not as an explanation or even a excuse of foreign policy.

Poetry and Post 9/11 Culture

I find arguments supporting both the assertion that poetry is well-suited to represent post 9/11 culture, and that it is not. On the one hand poetry is one of the most highly individual and introspective forms of writing. Every poet writes in a different style, using particular forms of diction, rhythm and syntax. Every poem is a creative effort by one person to represent to others something from within. Each poet chooses which devices, (hyperbole, metaphor, etc...) to employ.

In contrast, the average American in this post 9/11 age has a highly un-personal relationship with his/her Government. We are all somewhat disenfranchised. From the beginning The Bush Administration has promoted a practically non-existent domestic social policy. Issues that matter to average Americans (i.e., healthcare, minimum wage, Medicare, federal pension guarantees) have been pushed to the sidelines. Poetry is highly individual and introspective, but it seems as if the government's policies are not guided at all by what the average American says he needs. The Bush administration has astonished many in its aversion to open itself up to public criticism and concern over the wars in Iraq, and Afghanistan. The opinions of dissidents within the Bush administration (such as Colin Powell, and Richard Clarke), as well as those from the outside has consistently been disregarded by those in power. So it seems as though poetry may have little or no effect of giving the average individual any sense of political power. To answer the 'hard-drinking lyricists' question of whether writing a poem will necessarily "help", it may seem as if the answer is no.

On the other hand poetry may help people like the 'hard-drinking lyricist' escape reality in a more productive way than drinking can. Whether reading poetry or writing it, it seems as though the average American could benefit from spending time on some sort of creative activity away from the deluge of color-coded threat warnings we see and hear on a daily basis.

Under God

When did "God" start to lose significance in mainstream society? It seems all too easy to just blame Republicans to the far right for creating a self fulfilling prophesy. I'd spare them from criticism, on account of the poaching they've received in recent years, but then again, their public scrutiny is quite well deserved. Who wants to listen to incessant jibberjabber about the decline of American society and the need to return to these right wingers' perception of what is holy?

In light of world history, the aberrations of the crusades and other religiously driven wars, I have very little confidence in foreign policy founded upon vague feelings of some sort of mandate from heaven. Rees perfectly highlights the attempts by US politicians to claim the moral high ground for their actions that, by all other standards, were wrong and illogical. The casual usage of "under God" diminished the original sacredness of the term, but in addition, that Christianity has been reduced to a political tool, and so ineptly wielded at that, is truly disheartening. The marginalization of Christianity in politics over the past few years has been advanced by the very individuals who have for years been decrying the rest of American society for their godlessness.

comics > poetry

After reading Art Spiegelman's In The Shadow of No Towers and the beginning of David Rees' Get Your War On, I think it's safe to say that a comic strip allows a much different form of satirical representation of September 11th...than say an inspirational poem. While Rees' comics are certainly not artistic genius, the literary form permits him to say much more through the voices of his bland, benign, and banal cubicle characters than he would as an essayist or poet. Rees employs stoic clip-art characters to say anything and everything he happens to be thinking about the politics, controversy, and hypocrisy going on in America post 9/11. In fact, he may be exaggerating profusely, but he includes content that many people think and feel, but choose never to admit out loud.
While Art Spiegelman's comics are more profound artistically, both he and Rees take advantage of the flexibility and dimension of representation through comics. Spiegelman uses images to help portray his 9/11. His personal account is penetrating because he is able to express it with emotional as well as visual representation. David Rees finds advantage in exploitation; he displaces his own sentiments and criticism onto his clip-art characters, who speak in constant sarcastic exclamation.
I guess poetry allows people to say how they feel and what they think, but in comparison to a comic strip, it is more simply a compilation of words that are attributed to the author than a full expression or representation afforded by other media: In comparison to an essay, a poem has limited room for commentary or explanation; in comparison to a song, a poem doesn't have accompanying music; in comparison to a movie or photo, a poem doesn't have visual attachment. I appreciate poetry, but I like dimension and I find it inadequate as a representation of post 9/11 culture. I also don't think satire fits well into poems; it belongs in stand-up, fake news, or a comic strip.

Under G-d

The characters in "Get Your War On" repeat the phrase "Under G-d" while discussing the US-led wars in Afghanistan and Iraq to mock the way that President Bush has repeatedly invoked G-d to justify these military actions, as well as the fact that much of the country has accepted these explanations. Bush's strong faith has been evident throughout his presidency. Only a few days after 9/11, Bush called the war on terrorism a “crusade,” clearly referring to the medieval Christian wars against Islam. Ever since, the US has characterized the war on terror as a battle between "good and evil" in which other nations are either "with us or with the terrorists." The notion that there exists only pure good or pure evil in the world is clearly drawn from the Bible. Finally, the fact that almost every speech made by the President since 9/11 has concluded with the phrase, "G-d bless America," illustrates the fact that Bush truly believes that G-d is on his side in the war against terrorism (and in all of his other endeavors.) In the conflict between good and evil, the President believes that America is unequivocally on the side of good in the eyes of G-d and thus that any foreign policy decision he makes is justified.

Rees mocks the Bush administration’s devotion to using G-d in politics by claiming that Bush once told a reporter that his favorite political philosopher was Jesus Christ and by having Voltron recite a Catholic affirmation of faith while substituting the word "War" for "G-d." Rees further shows his disagreement with the role that religion has played in the US since 9/11 by having his characters invoke G-d in every sentence of their discussion of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Because these Clip-Art characters are intended to represent the anonymous American office-worker, Rees is clearly showing that the American people have accepted and adopted Bush’s overly religious rhetoric. The reader of “Get Your War On” has almost no choice but to agree with Rees’s statement about the absurdity of the overuse of G-d in post-9/11 foreign policy and culture.

Blind Faith

Given the religious undertones of the “War on Terror” and the motivations behind the 9/11 attacks, David Rees’ characters’ use of the term “Under God” provides a potent criticism of the misguided religious nature of U.S foreign policy and of the American public’s acceptance of the ritualization of religion and religious terminology as an excuse for violence. In particular, Rees uses the character of “Voltron” to satirize the “Under God” mentality of U.S government officials. After Voltron appears in the strip, the characters of the strip, which may be presumed to represent at least of portion of the American public, begin to adopt the use of the term “Under God” on page 12.

Rees uses the character of Voltron to represent aspects of the U.S government and American social policy. Voltron appears as a primarily silent, immobile ornament in the strip. On page eight, the character of Voltron makes a speech, styled after the Nicene Creed, which promotes war as a unifying and all powerful element of American policy. While this speech does not use the term “Under God,” it sets up the link between the U.S foreign policy’s religious rhetoric and motivations for involvement in the War on Terror. The speech highlights Rees’ critical stance on the government’s use of religion to excuse war, as well as the hypocrisy of using religion as an explanation for war.

When Voltron appears again on page 12, his position is more ambiguous. There is a panel of strips featuring a silent Voltron, when finally in the third panel he says “Under God?”. The reader is not sure whether Rees is suggesting that this is all Voltron can think to say, or whether Rees has turned the character of Voltron into a critical third party. While the latter option is inconsistent with the remainder of the strip, the former option suggests that the Voltron’s embodiment of the U.S government is running out of excuses for its actions, decreasing the force of religious rhetoric in its promotion of the war.

On page 12, when the office characters of Rees’ strip begin to use the term “Under God” after every sentence, the reader is drawn to compare the characters’ mindless use of religious rhetoric post 9/11 to Voltron’s speech. The office workers can be used to represent the American public, suggesting Rees’ criticism of the public’s acceptance of religion as an acceptable reason for war. The repetition of the phrase renders “Under God” meaningless and absurd in the context it is used. Through the use of the term “Under God” and Voltron’s speech, Rees’ criticism of the blind faith and religious hypocrisy of the American public and U.S foreign policy is a potent testament to our times and a damning criticism of the government’s supposed separation of church and state.

I feel "Under God"

I'm a Christian. As Jim Gaffigan would say, I'm like a Shiite Christian. I go to church every Sunday, I read the Bible as much as possible, and I help run one of the biggest Christian fellowships on campus. Unfortunately, I'm still completely conflicted about my religion and let me tell you; the Bush administration isn't helping my faith in Christian America.

David Rees' critique of American right wing Christin subculture, and Bush's pseudo-religious politics are dead on. Christianity in America is so ridiculously mindless that if Christ were engaging American culture today, I can assure you that there'd be a whole lot of tables being turned over. Whether it's the millions of copies of the "Left Behind" novels that puts filet mignon on Tim Lahaye's dinner table every night, or Bush's spray painting of Christ's name over everything he does, there is absolutely no reverence for the name of God. Not a single moment of consideration of whether or not Jesus would be a proud middle class gun toting Republican. Just a whole lot of presumption, justifying your crap with the Lord as a means to a political end.

Living in society where Christianity is synonymous with pro-war, anti-gay, pro-life rhetoric is suffocatingly claustrophobic, and so frustrating that it makes you want to throw it all out the window and disown everything and everyone that carries a Christian name tag. Rightfully so as well, because I'm pretty sure that Jesus would.

But we're all hypocritical in our own unique ways, so I guess this ought to humble me more than get me flustered. But whatever, I'm flustered.

David Rees' is spot on. Still have no clue why Voltron has a suit on though...

Get Your Sarcasm On

In response to David Rees' Get Your War On, I have come up with Leo Rakitin's Get Your Sarcasm On. I did it in Microsoft Word, using clip-art, and generally stuck to Rees' structure of basic art and tons of profanity. I'd be happy to send out the Word document if it works better.

"Under God"

I believe Rees’ repetitive use of the phrase “Under God” is meant to be a comment on the rhetoric employed by both the Bush Administration and US culture at large in the post 9/11 era. Bush and his cabinet constantly refer to the War on Terrorism as a matter of “good versus evil.” More pointedly, Bush often invokes the help and direction of God when explaining his reasoning and decisions surrounding terrorism responses. In other words, Bush makes it clear that he believes God is not only on his side, but telling him to wage this war on terror. Rees is able to cleverly mock this idea through phrases such as “I totally forgot we were waging a war in Afghanistan until we…bombed the ‘Under God’ out of some innocent locals.” This comments on the inconsistency of a war that has God’s apparent blessing and yet, results in the death of so many innocent people.
It is not just the Bush Administration that uses such rhetoric. The US culture since 9/11, and especially in the period when Rees was creating these cartoons, also proposes that God is “behind us” in the war on terror. I remember popular country singers whose lyrics contained references to revenge and carrying out God’s love and will in the same song. This mentality made it easier for Bush and other politicians to justify their actions because after all, the war on terror is being waged “under God.”